Door bohot door humko jaana hai !!!

[Talat]

Phoolon ke daaman main chupe hote hain kaante
Muskurahat jaane kitni saazishon ko hai chupaye
Dost ban kar dagha deta aaya hai yeh zamana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

Sheeshe ko bhala pathar hum banaye bhi kaise
Aankhon main utre dard ko chupaye bhi kaise
Mushkil hai ek pal marna ek pal jiye jaana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

Rooh tak utri hai jo najaane kaisi yeh thakan hai
Koi nahin apna har shakhs khud main magan hai
Laut kar wapis jahan se na kabhi hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

Woh ek des titliyon ka woh taaron ki ek nagri
Ab tak jise chup chup kar dekha kiya humne
Khwabon ki us nagri se pariyon ko hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

[D K]

nice Talat ji .. good one

EDITED by Yoindia Monitor
Reason: Not according to rules.
Comments:This forum is only for Critics , review and explanation. Kindly see this example thread ---> http://www.yoindia.com/forums/tumko-jo-baharo-mai-dekha-hota-vt14898.html

[Tosha]

jo bhi kaho ... yeh kavita ... umeedo se bhari hai ... Talat ji ... yeh batati hai ke aap jab isse likh rahi thi to aap sabko yeh sandesh dena chati thi ki hamme kabhi thakna nahi chaiye ... rukna nahi chaiye ... zindgi main dokha aur adrchane to aati raheti hai lakin is sab se hamme ghabrana nahi chaiyr... aapne pe bharosa hona chaiye bas ... aur duniya ko aapne kadmome karne ke himmat.

[Pooja]

shayra jeevan ka asali roop bat arahi hai ki kis tarah se log apne ban kar dhoka dety hai aor aise duniya se door bahoot door wo jaana chahti hai.

Phoolon ke daaman main chupe hote hain kaante
Muskurahat jaane kitni saazishon ko hai chupaye
Dost ban kar dagha deta aaya hai yeh zamana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

her dard ko wo pathar ban kar kaise sahen kar le, aor apne dard ko chupaye bhi kaise, bar bar zindagi ke sath roop badlana uske liye bahoot mushkil hai, iss lie wo door bahoot door chali jaana chahti hai.

Sheeshe ko bhala pathar hum banaye bhi kaise
Aankhon main utre dard ko chupaye bhi kaise
Mushkil hai ek pal marna ek pal jiye jaana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

zindagi se wo itna thak rahi hai ki yah shareer ka na rah kar atma tak thak gai hai, her koi swarthi hai, wo aise jagah jaana chahti hai jahan se wo wapis nahi anna chahti aor door bahoot door chali jaana chahti hai.

Rooh tak utri hai jo najaane kaisi yeh thakan hai
Koi nahin apna har shakhs khud main magan hai
Laut kar wapis jahan se na kabhi hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

yaha per wo apne khawabo se dard ko kam kar rahi hai aor kah rahi hai ki wo pariyon, taaron ki khawabo ki nagari mai jaana chahti hai jahan se pariyan atti hai, wahin ussi desh mai door bahoot door wo is duniya se chali jaana chahti hai.

Woh ek des titliyon ka woh taaron ki ek nagri
Ab tak jise chup chup kar dekha kiya humne
Khwabon ki us nagri se pariyon ko hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

[Talat]

Shukriya DK !

Tosha..I am sorry par meri poem ka wo matlab nahin tha !!

Pooja....aapne bilkul sahi likha hai...meri exactly yahi feelings thi jaisa aapne likha hai !!!

[Naya_Daur]

Phoolon ke daaman main chupe hote hain kaante
Muskurahat jaane kitni saazishon ko hai chupaye
Dost ban kar dagha deta aaya hai yeh zamana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

Here Poetess is trying to express that she is cheated by person's dual nature.One she had trusted more than her life ,decieved her n Now she is trying to leave the past n aheading her life to new world

Sheeshe ko bhala pathar hum banaye bhi kaise
Aankhon main utre dard ko chupaye bhi kaise
Mushkil hai ek pal marna ek pal jiye jaana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

in these lines.. there is very deep feeling of her sadness.. she is unable to bear the pain of being cheated ...

Rooh tak utri hai jo najaane kaisi yeh thakan hai
Koi nahin apna har shakhs khud main magan hai
Laut kar wapis jahan se na kabhi hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

she is totally lost. she holds no grip over her life. everybody seems to un aware of her needs. she needs care..she need moral support.. but no one cares for her...

Woh ek des titliyon ka woh taaron ki ek nagri
Ab tak jise chup chup kar dekha kiya humne
Khwabon ki us nagri se pariyon ko hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

now she is dreaming of her fancy world,,all those loveable moments she thought in her dreams will come true there with her lover.. she is aheading to new world .. in search of her new destiny....

[Talat]

Jeet....bilkul theek explain kiya hai aapne....Thanks for going through my Poem !

[deepika_divya]

Wonderfull talat sis... kabhi main bhi aisa hi sochiti thi tab kya abhi bhi aisa hi sochti hun... mazil aage bahut teh karni hai.. jise apna kehna chahe wahi daga dete hai.... dil ka armaan hota hai ki koi aisa duniya ya aisa pal ho jahan sab kuch sunder aurhasin ho.. viswas ka koi gala na gote.. jo dost raah mein bane woh kabhi na chute...  par sab sapna hai  bas sapna aankho mein basa hum chalte jaate hai,,.. ki door bahut jaana hai...

really it really toching talat sis.. kuch yaad aa gay pad kar....baar baar padna chaungi isse...

sayad teek tareeke se explain nahi kar paai hun,,..

[Talat]

Bilkul theek explain kiya hai Divs Thanks :D

[raiees]

It is an average poem, it can be improved a lot, wordings ek dam seedhi hai, kai jagah aur achche lafzon ka istemaal kiya ja sakta tha.. I am not poet but ise shayad ese likhta..

Phoolon ke daaman main chupe hote hain kaante
Muskurahat me hoti hain kitni saazishon ki aahate

2nd paragraph is good, kashmakash ko sahi present kiya hai..

3rd paragraph achcha hai.. jisme pehli line bahut gahri hai lekin 2sri line usko halka kar rahi hai..

Rooh tak utri hai jo najaane kaisi yeh thakan hai
har ummid aur har arzoon is seene me dafan hai..
Laut kar wapis jahan se na kabhi hai aana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

4th paragraph achcha hai jo ek nai ummid batata hai.. lekin usme pariyon ka aana hai to phir hume kyon hai jana..  agar esa hota to:


Khwabon ki us nagri me pariyon ka hai thikana,
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana....


Sorry for writing negative, my intention is not to offend anyone but to improve him/herself.  shayari me shabdon ke sath ek theme me pakad bhi hona chaiye... am I right?

[Talat]

Thanks a lor Raiees, for analyzing my peom....People here review the poem and explain, may be its the first time I have seen someone doing the "critics" work !!  I am thankful to you..and will try to improve upon.

[syednaami]

Bahut niraali aor hoshmand nazm bayan ki hai.
Sab ne is nazm ko apne apne andaz se khoobsurat wazaahat di hai.

Phoolon ke daaman main chupe hote hain kaante
Muskurahat jaane kitni saazishon ko hai chupaye
Dost ban kar dagha deta aaya hai yeh zamana
Door bohot door ab humko hai jaana

Mukhtasiran inhi sitron par arz karunga baqi kabhi waqt ki munasibat se bayan karunga.

Yun to kahne main umda hain yeh sitren par manfiyat ki jhalak aakhri do sitron se ayaan hai aor title bhi usi zamre men aata hai.

"Phool ko insaan se mushabiha kar ke aap ne achhi baat kahi hai par agar kaanton ko lete hain to woh phool ka hissa nahin hote phool ki tahni yaane phool se alag hote hain aor khaar ek tarah muhaafiz ek tarah se zaalim bhi hote hain matalab mahaol ke hisaab se asar andaaz hote hain."

"Muskuraahat bhi apna ek hajam rakhti hai insaani fitrat ko zaahir karne men, kabhi dil se hoti hai to kabhi rasman aor jo rasman hoti hai so hi kharab hoti hai."

"Dost Dagha aor zamana, Bilkul sahih hai, par dokha waqt nahin mahaol aor girdo paish ke waaqiat se khaate hain, ab chaahe woh dost ki shakal men ho ya phir dushman ki."

Mazeed inshaAllah agli dafa.

SN**

[syednaami]

Kuchh famayengi muhtarma Celmiraaaaaaa.   

[Talat]

Oh..sorry...ise main dekh na paayi pehle 

Aapne achchi tashreeh ki hai S. Naami ji..itna waqt diya.....bohot bohot shukriya 

Jee haan..ye poori nazm hi Udaasi ko byaan karti hai...negativity ya manfiyat ko hi pesh kiya tha is nazm main..jahan koi ummeed na baaqi rahi ho 

Mere khyaal main phool aur kaanton ko juda nahin kar sakte..jahan phool ka zikr hoga, kaante ka bhi hoga..isiliye ye likha ki "Phoolon ke daaman main chhupe hote hain kaante"

Dhoka chaahe kisi bhi haalaat main mila ho..par agar koi aisa Insaan de jise humne apna dost maana tha, to dukha aur badh jaata hai

[syednaami]

Shukar Khuda ka khair kuchh to bole.
Naqqaadi se shayir aor shayiri ko taqviyat milti hai, garchi aisa nahin ho raha yeh bhi ek dukh ki baat hai.
Na seekhne ka amal hai na sikhaane ka bas har koi mast magan apne do teen sitron men.
Khair, aap ki nazm par mazeed karvai taahaal munaasib waqt men kalamband karenge.

Shukriya mamnoon-o-mashkoor