A Ghazal in English- Feedback appreciated

by bedaar on May 24, 2014, 08:17:11 PM
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bedaar
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The promise of a promise holds more promise of love
For not every act fulfilled leads to continuance of love

Lead me to that place of no return
For nor hell nor heaven can take place of love
 
Why do you sit and cry foul
My fidelity was never in exchange of love

Seduce me back in your arms
For I am but a  prince of love.

Tonight we shall spend in confession
For 'awake' I lie in penance of love
--
Bedaar Lakhnawi
bedaarlakhnawi@gmail.com
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jeet jainam
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my rule no type no life and ,i m happy single

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«Reply #1 on: May 24, 2014, 09:11:48 PM »
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 Applause Applause Applause
to good realy vry nice keep writing
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zarraa
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«Reply #2 on: May 24, 2014, 10:01:18 PM »
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I really liked your ghazal bedaar ji. It created a beautiful vision and ambience. The thoughts, emotions and word play are also very sensitive. I also liked the way you have used your takhallus translated in english.

 I will not hazard giving feedback because I am not conversant with the norms, rules, meter or style of ghazal writing in english, though I have read a few of them. I can only suggest that you could, if you please, re look at the word "exchange" as a qafiya in 3rd sher.

Once again, my compliments to you.

Keep up the good work. I think ghazal writing in english is a beautiful art and am happy to see it being practiced in this gathering.

With best wishes...zarraa
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F.H.SIDDIQUI
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«Reply #3 on: May 24, 2014, 11:59:02 PM »
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Beautiful Composition ,Bedaar ji . Side by side Urdu Ghazals there are Hindi Ghazals . Composing  Ghazals in Englih is a fantastic idea . I am not aware of Rules and meters of English poetry but your ghazal in English certainly has the taste and flavour of a Ghazal. If there are no specific precedents of English ghazal, I will suggest you to keep the radeefs and  qafias as far as possible on the lines of Urdu Ghazal .
 Best of Luck !!! 
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RAJAN KONDAL
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«Reply #4 on: May 25, 2014, 01:31:45 AM »
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v. Gud work &welcome to yoindia
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bedaar
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«Reply #5 on: May 25, 2014, 03:10:14 AM »
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Thank you everyone for the feedback. Really appreciate it. I will try to make changes as suggested. Also this motivates me to post more. If you are interested in my urdu poetry you can follow me on https://www.facebook.com/bedaarlakhnawi. I will also post them here in time.
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sksaini4
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«Reply #6 on: May 25, 2014, 08:19:21 AM »
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beautiful
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Advo.RavinderaRavi
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«Reply #7 on: May 25, 2014, 05:33:11 PM »
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Bahut Khoob.
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sanchit
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«Reply #8 on: May 25, 2014, 09:39:12 PM »
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Well done so beautiful. ..
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marhoom bahayaat
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«Reply #9 on: May 25, 2014, 11:41:03 PM »
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Quote from: bedaar on May 24, 2014, 08:17:11 PM
The promise of a promise holds more promise of love
For not every act fulfilled leads to continuance of love

Lead me to that place of no return
For nor hell nor heaven can take place of love
 
Why do you sit and cry foul
My fidelity was never in exchange of love

Seduce me back in your arms
For I am but a  prince of love.

Tonight we shall spend in confession
For 'awake' I lie in penance of love
--
Bedaar Lakhnawi
bedaarlakhnawi@gmail.com

nice poem,sir
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