Ghazal-HELP ME MAKE IT GOOD- Dr.Ammarah:Ghazals

dr.ammarax

Guest

AslamuALaikum,

i m presenting my ghazal over here on the topic

"khud raah bana lega behta hua pani hay"
please if anybody of you can help me make it good. and take out any mistakes if their are. mene ye competetion mei parhni hay lehaza agar koi mistakes lagen tou mjhy aagah karen, shukriya

help me beautifying it..

this was what actually i needed. anyways! i didnt like the attitude

Zamanay mein reet iski bas rawani hi rawani hay
waqt hath se nikal na jaye behta hua pani hay

dunya aik tamasha hay pal bhar ka hi khaila hay
din chaar hayn jeenay kay phir mour tou aani hay

fesla sirf apna hay kosish jiski karay koi
hasil karni hay wo zindagi ya ye bhi ganwani hay

abhi hi moqa hay jou Rabb ko Razi karna ho
urooj pe hay shabab thaten marti jawani hay

kizb ko jaga mat dena dil ki sufaid chattan mein
khud raah bana lega behta hua paani hay

daman aansuoon se tar hou, shab yunhi basar hou
Qabr mei gar kisne Noori shama jalani hay

wasl ki raaah nahi aasan, faqat karwa ghoont hay
dil-e-murda ko zinda karna hay jigar pe *** khani hay

Tarz-e-bayan badal dala Rounaq-e-Mehfil ki khatir
warna kuch naya nahi Baat tou Ammarah purani hay


	Logged

Similar Poetry and Posts (Note: Find replies to above post after the related posts and poetry)
	Is this good about india (for me it is good) by dmaan in Chit - Chat & General Discussion
	~~~ Do I LuK GOOd~~~ by Tosha in Chit - Chat & General Discussion
	good friends make life so better by samira15 in English
	Good is not good when better is expected. by mrkotians in Inspirational Stories and real life Incidences.
	my intro and one poem--Dr.Ammarah- the poor soul by dr.ammarax in Tarruf Yoindia Sae : Give your Introduction

mazHur

Guest

Re: Ghazal-HELP ME MAKE IT GOOD- Dr.Ammarah

«Reply #1 on: February 07, 2011, 01:40:34 PM »

I recommend you to read ''Muqadamma-e- Sher-o-Shairy'' by Altaf
Hussain Haali which book is the best poetry teacher:)


	Logged

Ammarah

Guest

Re: Ghazal-HELP ME MAKE IT GOOD- Dr.Ammarah

«Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 02:25:52 PM »

mazhur
thankyou so much, but i just want ti knwo isnt there any poet on the forum who helps people correcting their poems if there is something wromg with it?


	Logged

mazHur

Guest

Re: Ghazal-HELP ME MAKE IT GOOD- Dr.Ammarah

«Reply #3 on: February 07, 2011, 02:43:05 PM »

Poetry is not the same as prose and it's not just enough to match the
Qafia and redeef. You ought to have a knowledge about the rhythm..ie Behar
and wazan...
for example, have a look at this piece of yours

Zamanay mein reet iski bas rawani hi rawani hay
waqt hath se nikal na jaye behta hua pani hay

There is no ''wazun' ie rhythm in it.....and thus it cannot be classified
as a ''poem'....I can see many posters here who have no idea about RHYTHM
and thus what they write is merely ''TUK BANDI;!!:)

Here is how your first verse could be fixed for RHYTHM...

''Zamanay mein azal se bus rawaani hee rawaani hey
Nikal jaata he her lamha ke jaise behta paani hey''!

the bahar for above is
FAYOO LUN FAYOO LUN FAYOO LUN FAYOO LUN

Read your and my rendition in loud voice and you will come to realize the difference and then try to rewrite your poem accordingly:)


	Logged

Pages: [1]

Yoindia ShayariAdab > Shayri ( Poetry ) or Shayari > Ghazals > Topic: Ghazal-HELP ME MAKE IT GOOD- Dr.Ammarah