mazHur jee!
buhat khushi hui aap ka kalaam parh kar... khaas taur say jaan kar k aap ki tashreef-aavri say yahan beher men likhnay walon men izaafaa hua... is say hum jaisay talib-e-ilm kuch seekh saken gay...
hum ku k isi raah k raaahi hen, is liyay aap ki ghazal k kuchh ash'aar say mutaliq apni na-qas aqal-o-ilm k mutabiq raayay day rahay hen... umeed hay jahan hum ghalat hon gay wahan aap rah-numaai farmaaven gay... hum afaa'eel ki girdaanon men abhi nahi par rahay hen or harf-ba-harf taqtee say bhe gurez kar rahay hen, takay aap hamaari tas'hee kartay waqat, agar chahen tu, hamen in baareek nuqaat say mustafeed karen... umeed kartay hen aap isay, ake taalib-e-ilm ka seekhnay ka shok jaanen gay, na k tanqeed...
hum ne apni samajh k mutabiq ye bhe ghor kiya hay.. k aap k tamaam ash'aar k second misray buhat he khoobsoorat bhe hen aur beher par bhe sahi hen.. sivayay shayad kisi ake k...
jahan, jahan hum ghalat hen, umeed hay aap hamari tas'hee farmaain gay...
dua-go
talib-e-ilm
vb
Thank you for your critical review of my poem, I too am a student and liable to pitfalls which are usually due to laziness in re-reading the poem before posting.
Yes, you are right,,,,in this case
tere teer e nazar ka maara jaan se kion na jaye?
jaaye ga jehan se tera bismil aaj nahi tu kal.
beher k aetebaar say doosray misray men, "jayay ga" men "ga" izaafi maaloom hota hay... ooper k sher say compare kejay "saamne aa jaye ga saahil" or "jaaye jehan say tera bismil"
chalte rehna kaam he apna, chahe ho safar dushwaar
Rah bane gi apni manzil aaj nahi tu kal
pehlay misray men, "chaahe ho safar dushwaar" men "safar" izaafi lafz hay, for comparison aglay sher ko letay hen... "chalna tha dushwaar" aur "chahe ho dushwaar" barabar hen
'chahe' mein sirf aik aakhri harf izafi he,,,, dar guzar farmayein ya phir isse yoon parh lein: Gar ho safar dushwar'
Ilm he aik samandar mazHar is ka na koi kinaar
doob ke tu bhi pa le saahil aaj nahi tu kal
buhat khoob maqtaa hay.... "kinaar" men "ki" izaafi maaloom ho raha hay... isay ooper k ake sher say compare kartay hen... "sab hein maaya jaal" aur "is ka na koi kinaar".. is lafz "kinaar" men say taqtee ka koi haf hazaf nahi kar saktay.. is ki jaga agar koi "jaal" jaisa he lafz hota tu beher sahi rehti...
Yehan bhi aik lafz ki izafat he.....isse yoon parh leejiye:
na he jis ka kinar!!
Ye shair shayed mein ne neend mein likha ho ga...
Dhoondh reha hoon gali gali qirya qirya
khoj hee loon ga apna qatil aaj nahi tu kal
pehlay misray men "gali gali" ko hum "galli galli" nahi parh saktay... "Doondh reha hoon qirya qirya" kiya jaa sakta hay.. is k baad... aap behtar kuch suggest kar saktay hen...
Gali gali murawwajj he ...thori see saqalat zaroor he laikin chalta he..isse yoon parh leejiye:
Doondh reha hoon koocha koocha mein sara sansaar
Thanks again for your valuable critique....I will try to do better in future.
Regards
Maz
on eTI community..
