FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI -Panna 3:Miscellaneous Shayri

KOYAL46

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«Reply #30 on: June 16, 2010, 11:36:56 AM »

Dhanyawaad Manojji.....

Quote from: MANOJ6568 on June 13, 2010, 04:41:30 PM

bahut khub koyal g


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.adeen

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #31 on: June 16, 2010, 02:41:08 PM »

Mamta ji, khushi hui ke aap mein seekhne ka jazba hai varna yahan to bahut logo ko ye baat gawaara nahi ke unki ghalti ko bataya jaye. Khair aapki khubsurat ghazal ke jin ashaar mein meter(behr) ki errors thi wo theek kar di hain. Harchand koshish ki hai ke mafhoom tabdeel na ho. 4th shair mein aapne akhtiyar lafz istemal kiya hai, is behr mein ye lafz aa to sakta hai lekin mafhoom badalna padega is liye ye word badal diya hai. Maine jo kuch change karke likha hai wo brackets mein hai.
Ye chhoti behr hai, isme options kam hi hote hain. Shayad aapko ye haqeer si islaah ki koshish sahi lage.

Shukriya.

>>3rd shair (2nd misra)
UNKO SARE BAZM NA LAYA JAYE
(BAZM MEIN UNKO NA LAYA JAYE)

>>4th shair
TOOTATI SAANSON KO AKHTIYAR AAYE
EK BAAR TO UNKO BULAYA JAYE

(TOOTATI SAANSON KO AARAAM MILE)
(AAJ BAS UNKO BULAYA JAYE)

>>5th shair
KOI EK TO AISA HO IS JAHAN ME
JIS PE MERE DIL KO AITBAAR AAYE

(KOI TO AISA HO IS DUNYA MEIN)
(JIS PE IS DIL KO YAQEE.n AA JAYE


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.adeeb

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #32 on: June 16, 2010, 02:52:14 PM »

Mamta ji zaroor batayen ke aapko ye tajveez achhi lagi ya nahi.


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mamta bajpai

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #33 on: June 16, 2010, 09:33:26 PM »

THANKS ADEEB JI!MAI AAP KI RAI SE ITTEFAQ RAKHTI HOON MAGAR 4TH SHAIR ME ZINDAGI BHAR ME SIRF EK BAAR BULANE KI GUZARISH KA JAZBA HAI. MERI GUZARISH HAI KI ISLAH TO HO PAR JAZBAT QAYAM RAHE .JAZBAAT KI ROOH BHATKANE NA PAAYE.WAISE GAZAL LEKHAN KA MUJHE ILM NAHI.ISKE KYA USOOL HAI MAI NAWAQIF HOON.AAPNE WAQT DEKAR ISLAH KI BEHAD SHUKRIYA.....


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mamta bajpai

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #34 on: June 16, 2010, 09:38:37 PM »

ADEEB JI ADABAN GUZARISH HAI KI HUME YE ZAROOR BATAYEN KI MATTAR KA KHAYAL KAISE RAKHE?KYA ISKE MUTALLIQ KUCH QAYADE HAIN O BATAYEN PLZ..............


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Mashhur Shayar

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #35 on: June 16, 2010, 10:09:54 PM »

bahut bahut khoob likha hai aapne Mamta ji... bahut khoob...!!!

Manoj ji aur Azeem ji .. aap dono ne bhi bahut achcha likha hai...!!!


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kalam k chalne ko zamaana paagalpan samajhta hai.

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #36 on: June 16, 2010, 10:12:11 PM »

bahut khoob Koyal ji...!!!

Quote from: KOYAL46 on June 13, 2010, 11:16:37 AM

Are nahi laga sakte ho tum marham tou nahi koi baat
Bade sadist ho zakhmo ko kuredne ki tum karte baat

Bhole ban kar haal na puchho,Behte hain ashk tou behne do
Jis-se bhee badhe baichainee dil ki,Aysi tassalee tum rehne do


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mamta bajpai

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #37 on: June 16, 2010, 10:23:21 PM »

bahut bahut dhanyawaad klaskar ji!


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MANOJ6568

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #38 on: June 17, 2010, 03:30:46 AM »

Quote from: klaskar on June 16, 2010, 10:09:54 PM

bahut bahut khoob likha hai aapne Mamta ji... bahut khoob...!!!

Manoj ji aur Azeem ji .. aap dono ne bhi bahut achcha likha hai...!!!

thanx


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.adeeb

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #39 on: June 17, 2010, 07:41:42 PM »

Mamta ji aapka bhi shukriya ke aapne islah ko kuchh ahmeeyat di.Aapne sahi farmaya ke 4th sher mein tabdeeli ke baad aapke jazbaat puri tarah adaa na ho sake, jiski wajah hai iski chhoti behr. Isme basa auqaat zyada gunjaaish nahi hoti. Phir bhi "EK BAAR" ke saath us misre ko do tarah se likha ja sakta hai:

EK BAAR UNKO BULAYA JAYE (or)
UNKO IK BAAR BULAYA JAYE

Agar aapki ghazal badi behr me hoti to wo pura shair is tarah ho sakta tha:

MERI IN TOOTATI SAANSON KO QARAAR AA JAYE
UNKO EK BAAR KISI TARHA BULAAYA JAYE

Lijiye ye ek naya matla ho gaya.

Aapne Meter ya Behr ke bare me pucha hai. To short me batata hun. Ghazal ke liye radeef-qafiya ke saath sath uska behr mein hona nihayat zaroori ha warna wo ghazal nahi. Behr ko Urooz bhi kahte hain. Har lafz ka ek wazn hota hai.Zindagi, barha, aasra, aarzu, hadisa sab hamwazn hain. Radeef-qafiya ke liye Urdu ke alfaaz me istemaal hone wale alphabet ka kuchh gyan hona bhi zaruri hai. Jaise Aadat aur Khat ek qafiye ke lafz nahi hain isi tarah Sakht aur Rabt ek saath nahi aa sakte. Aapko to shayad Urdu script aati hai. Behr ghazal ko symmetrical aur musical bana deti hai isiliy ye singing ke qabil banti hai. Iska seekhna bahot mushkil bhi nahi aur bahot asaan bhi nahi. It Depends on person to person. Isme arkaan hote hain jaise fauulun, faailun, mafaailun etc. Hindi matraon ke mutabiq ye matraon ka ek preset order hota hai jo har misre mein qayam rakhne hote hain. Behr bahot saari hain lekin aam taur par 8-10 hi istemaal hoti hain. Iski bahut tafseel hai lekin itna yahan kaise likhun. Bas itna hi likh diya ke aapko kuchh idea ho jaye. Shuruaat karne ke liye aap agar Jagjit Singh, Ghulam Ali etc. ki kisi ghazal ki dhun pakad kar, gunguna kar, dhun ko perfectly nibhaate hue likhen to wo kafi had tak behr me hoga lekin finalization ke liye islaah ki zarurat hogi.

Thanks.


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MANOJ6568

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #40 on: June 17, 2010, 07:50:32 PM »

Quote from: @kaash on June 11, 2010, 07:37:43 AM

waah bahot khoob Mamta ji,behatreen ghazal likhi hai aapne Applause

Manoj ji and Azeem dear aapne bhi bahot khoob likha hai Applause

thanx


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MANOJ6568

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #41 on: June 17, 2010, 07:51:40 PM »

Quote from: khamosh_aawaaz on June 11, 2010, 11:05:21 AM

waaah manoj kya baat hai gud knock....!!

hausla afzai ke liye sukariya


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mamta bajpai

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #42 on: June 17, 2010, 11:31:41 PM »

ADEEB JI KIN LAFZON ME AAP KA SHUKRIYA ADA KAROON SAMAJH NAHI PA RAHI.AAJ SE PAHALE ITANI VALUEABLE KNOWEDGE MUJHE NAHI MIL PAAYEE.DARASAL URDU POETRY SE RELATED GRAMMER PADHNE KA KOI MOUQA HUME NAHI MILA LEKIN AAJ AAP NE KAFI HAD TAK GAZAL KO LE KAR MERE CONFUSIONS DOOR KAR DIYE HAIN.UMEED KARTI HOON WAQT WAQT PAR AAP MERA ISI TARAH MARGDARSHAN KARTE RAHENGE.THANKS A LOT...


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mrkapil_raj1

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #43 on: June 18, 2010, 07:59:41 AM »

nice creation mamta ji

u r really a great shayar

kapil agarwal


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waquif ansari

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Re: FIR SE GULSHAN KO SAJAYA JAYE----------MAMTA BAJPAI

«Reply #44 on: June 18, 2010, 08:26:02 AM »

Mohtarma Mamta Bajpai Saheba! Aadaab!

Sab se pahle to aik purlutf ghazal pesh karne k liye mubaarakbaad qubul kijiye. Aap meiN aik achchhi shaira ki tamaam khoobiyaN maujood haiN jo k aik funkaar meiN honi chahiye. Main ne aapki ghazal paRhi aur bahut ziyadah mutaassir hua ke aap meiN aik behtareeN shaira hone ki na sirf salaahiyat hai balke aap meiN shikhar tak pahunchne ki qaabliyat bhi hai. Aik khususi shaira banne ke liye jin ramooz-o-nukaat ko jaanna chaahiye use aap apne amal meiN laayeN phir deken ke kis tarah balandi aapke qadam choomti hai. Mohtaram .adeeb sahib ne aapke sheroN ki jo islaah ki hai us se main poori tarah muttafiq hooN. Shayari ke kuchh oosool-qaaede hote haiN unhen seekhna bahut zaroori hai. Basically ghazal bahr/meter/chhand meiN kahi jaati hai aur ye ghazal kahne ki buniyaadi cheezoN mein shaamil baat hai, baghair chhand/bahr ke ghazal ko ghazal nahiN kaheNge balki use aik aazaad nazm ya aazaad kavita kahenge. Aap mein chunke aik shayerah baraajmaan hai is liye aapko chhand/meter/bahr ki kitaabeN paRhni chaahiye ya ghazal kahne k baad ise kisi achchhe shaayir ko dikha leN to zaroori maalumaat se waquif ho sakti haiN. Jahan tak aapki ghazal hai, is ne mujhe chaunka diya hai wo is tarah k jab shuruaat is qadar achchhi hai to aage to phir dhamaaka hi hoga. Aap ne .adeeb sahib ke chauthe sher ki islaah mein jaisa k arz karti haiN k diction na bigaRne paaye to naacheez is sher ko kuchh is tarah bayaan karne ki jasaarat kar raha hai, shaayed ye kisi qaabil ho:

Aakhri waqt ki saaNsoN meiN unheN
Sirf ikbaar bulaaya jaaye

Mujh se kahiN koi gustaaKhi ho gayee ho to darguzar kijiyega.

Aik khairkhwaah!

(Waquif Ansari)

Quote from: mamta bajpai on June 16, 2010, 09:33:26 PM


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