Gumshuda ho jaun.:Miscellaneous Shayri

Ricky

Yoindian Shayar

Rau: 8

Offline

Gender: Male

Waqt Bitaya:
4 days, 3 hours and 56 minutes.

Posts: 2455
Member Since: Dec 2003

I have two version of this poem, will post other version soon.

Sochta hun apna makaan badal dun,
Gum ho jaun, naa koi jaane mujhe,
Aise Jahan k naam khud ko kardun,

Jo Khat naa ayenge,
Unki aas naa lagaun ab,
Mera apna naa ho koi pata,
Harr zehen apni baat mitaun ab..

Likh jo diyen hain Chand Alfaaz yahan,
Fakat Kaghaz pe kuch andaaz hain,
Bohot chhota hai inka kadd,
Aur naa inpe hum utna naaz hai… !!

Feel free to comment / criticize with open mind.


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Roja

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #1 on: April 12, 2008, 07:22:26 PM »

Quote

Sochta hun apna makaan badal dun,
Gum ho jaun, naa koi jaane mujhe,
Aise Jahan k naam khud ko kardun,

Jo Khat naa ayenge,
Unki aas naa lagaun ab,
Mera apna naa ho koi pata,
Harr zehen apni baat mitaun ab..

Likh jo diyen hain Chand Alfaaz yahan,
Fakat Kaghaz pe kuch andaaz hain,
Bohot chhota hai inka kadd,
Aur naa inpe hum utna naaz hai…

ooh dil se likha yeh kalam mujhe bahut pasand aaya hai Ricky ji.
Some lines bahut badiya bani huyi hai... esp the following lines..

Jo Khat naa ayenge,
Unki aas naa lagaun ab,
Mera apna naa ho koi pata,
Harr zehen apni baat mitaun ab..

Very good..


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Ricky

Yoindian Shayar

Rau: 8

Offline

Gender: Male

Waqt Bitaya:
4 days, 3 hours and 56 minutes.

Posts: 2455
Member Since: Dec 2003

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #2 on: April 12, 2008, 07:26:49 PM »

Thankyou Roja for your positive comments, as I said you may criticize if have to say something. For me there are few things in this poem which I wanted to work upon but still I posted. But glad you liked it.
I think we should develop a habit of criticism on Yoindia Shayariadab which will further help us all to write better.

Jo Khat naa ayenge,
Unki aas naa lagaun ab,
Mera apna naa ho koi pata,
Harr zehen apni baat mitaun ab..

I also liked it most.


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syednaami

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #3 on: July 31, 2009, 03:39:53 AM »

Bahut achhi nazm hai Ricky saahib.


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madhuwesh

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #4 on: July 31, 2009, 03:43:29 AM »

Bahut khoob Ricky ji,mindblwing creation. icon_thumleft


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Rajesh Harish

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #5 on: January 03, 2010, 09:52:11 PM »

Bahut achchha likha hai aap ne Ricky Ji


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deepika_divya

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #6 on: January 18, 2010, 06:42:41 AM »

Bahoot Khoob Ricky .. Yeah even I liked those lines...

Where is the Second version ?


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riyaz106

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #7 on: January 18, 2010, 07:36:08 AM »

Bahut achhi poem hai Ricky ji. Criticize karne ka to sawaal hi nahin hai.


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Roja_malar

Guest

Re: Gumshuda ho jaun.

«Reply #8 on: January 26, 2010, 02:48:10 PM »

Kaise gumnaam-se tevar mein hawa aayi hai
Jaise basti mein naye ghar ko jala aayi hai

Need ko ud.ti huyi chidiya ki dehshat dekho
Chonch ka daana hi raste mein gira aayi hai

Khayiyan khodi makanon ke liye mitti mein
Aur ek bacchi wahan pauda laga aayi hai

Khushbu jis ruth ke rag-rag mein hai samayi
Jab bi nikli hai nayi gul hi khila aayi hai

Aisi serhad ki tarah zinda hu yaaron, jiske
Hai edhar mela, udhar jungle ki tanhayi hai

Maine yeh baat bi is raah pe aakar seekhi
Maut bi sirf jama karti tamashayi hai

Apne him-ank pe tha naz jinhe sadiyon se
Dhoop un shikhron pe tufaan macha aayi hai..

Roja


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