kaash !!!!!!!:Shayri for Khumar -e- Ishq

sana Afroz

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Aye kaash ke phir ubhrey koi naqsh dobara,
dekhoon main tera chand sa chehra mere yara !

phir koi ummedon ki kiran door se chamkey,
phir mujhko miley jalwon ka nayab nazzara.

afsos ke hota nahin sharminda e tabeer,
ek khwab se rishta hai shab o roz hamara.

dekhoon jo tujhey hota hai ehsaas mujhe ye,
jaise mile bhatki huii maujon ko kinara.

jaise ke lage hon par e surkhab se tum mein,
hota hai shab o roz "sana" zikr tumhara.


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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #1 on: November 14, 2014, 08:03:54 AM »

Mohtarma sana Afroz Sahiba! salam

Ghazal mashallah, la-javaab hay. aap ka khaas andaaz numayaaN hay. achi baat ye hay k aap jazbaat ko alfaaz de rahi hen... aur behtreen kalaam pesh farma rahi hen... bharpoor daad qabool kejay..

hum thori der pehlay aap ki ye ghazal dekh rahay thay, aur pehlay misra ko baar baar dekh kr soch rahay thay k agar saari ghazal wazan men hay, tu phir ye pehla misra, kahin hum jeson ka imtehaan lenay ky liyay, jaan boojh ker bay-wazan tu nahi rakha gaya... sharaarat si mehsoos ho rahi thi..

aap ne bar-waqt is men tabdeeli ki hay.. aur ab durust hay.. daad

ghazal agarche buhat khoobsurat hay lekin sirf ilmi mashq k liyay, ek do chhoti si baaten bhi aap tak puhnchana chaahen gay...

..................

dekhoon jo tujhey hota hai ehsaas mujhe ye,
jaise ke achanak mile maujon ko kinara.

sher k pehlay misra men lafz "jo" or aakhir men "ye" , bharti k lafz hen yaani inhen sirf is liyay daalna para hay k sher wazan men rahay... bharti say bachna tu buhat mushkil hota hay, lekin kisi hadd tak koshish zaroor ki jaati hay k is se bacha jayay..

doosray misra men, "jaise ke"... ko sirf "jaise" likhen tu bhi matlab poora ho jata hay, "achanak" lafz bhi hamari nazar ki khoobsurti men kami ker raha hay.. so ek tajveez de rahay hen... agar pasand na bhi ayay tu, may be aap ko koi is say behter khayal zehen men aa jayay ..

"dekhoon tujhey tu hota hai ehsaas ye mujh ko"
"jaise mile bhatki hui maujon ko kinaara"
..................

jaise ke lage hon par e surkhab se tum mein,

maqtaa men "par e surkhaab" bhi aam muhavra nahi hay so samaa-kharaashi ka sabab ban sakta hay... ye misra aiesay bhi ho sakta tha...

"yun lagta hay surkhaab ke par tum men lagay hen"

..................

hamaaray buzurg kaha kertay thay, k jazbaati kalaam men, mashvaray nahi denay chahiyen.. theek kehtay thay... hamaari karaakht qisim ki aavaaz aap k meethay bole kharaab ker sakti hay.. so ehtiyaat farmaiyay ga..

in tajaaveez ka maqsad har-giz ye nahi hay k aap apnay misron ko tabdeel ker len... maqsad sirf ye hota hay k aap ko sochnay k liyay kuch medaan mil jayay and may be aap behter soorat de saken ashaar ko.. hamaari baton se itefaaq kerna kuch mutliq zaroori nahi...

is khoobsurat ghazal per aik bar phir bharpoor daad k saath...

dua-go


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sana Afroz

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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #2 on: November 14, 2014, 08:27:45 AM »

bahut bahut shukriya vb shb..
aap k mashwaron k liye bahut mamnoon hoon.
darasl baat ye hai k meri ghazlon ki jo khususiyat mujhey pasand hai wo ye hai k tarannum liye hoti hain .kyunk main pahley apni ghazlein gungunati hoon phir qalamband karti hoon..main ye chahti hoon k alfaz ki khoobsoorti bhi qayam rahe aur jazbaat bhi zahan tak rasaaii hasil kar lein.
. isi tarah apne mashwaron se mere ilm Mein izafa karte rahei jis se mere qalam Mein kamiyon Ki tadaad Mein kami ho jaye....
Allah Hafiz !!!


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sksaini4

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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #3 on: November 14, 2014, 01:31:05 PM »


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surindarn

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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #4 on: November 14, 2014, 07:46:14 PM »

bahut khoobsurat ehsaas hai, daad.
icon_flower


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sana Afroz

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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #5 on: November 21, 2014, 01:30:11 PM »

Shukriyaa !!!!! Janab ...


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Azeem Azaad

WeCare
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Humko Abtak Aashiqi Ka Wo Zamaana Yaad Hai,.

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Re: kaash !!!!!!!

«Reply #6 on: November 24, 2014, 11:26:25 AM »

Quote from: sana Afroz on November 14, 2014, 03:23:43 AM

Bohat Achchi Peshkash,.
Good work, Sana Afroz


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