betee zawaan hai meri.

by ufaq on May 18, 2012, 07:37:03 AM
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ufaq
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dosto , aapki daad pane se kahi jiyaada aapki islaah ka talabgaar hu..........mayus mat karna.............


                               ghazal

is poori kaaenaat pe hai jisko ikhtiyaar.
dair o haram men rah gaya wo hoke giraftaar.

do baar ye buddha mujhe hone dete,
betee zawaan hai meri beta berozgaar.

arsa huya gareeb ka chula jale huye,
tum iski raakh men are doondho nahi sharrar.

ashq o lahoo milaane ka hai naam zindagi,
haasil bada hi qam hai jee mehnat hai beshumaar.

kya dhoom thee ki rangoboo laayegi saath men,
aate hi aik khaar men par fas gayi bahaar.

sunta hu raahe ishq men aaya jo bah gaya,
par dekh to rahaa hu ki daryaa men hai utaar.

kaandhe kisi ko chaar kiraaye ke chaahiye,
charcha men in dino hai bahut aik ishtihaar.

hum aaj kisi baat pe roye nahi ufaq,
aate nahi hayaat men din aise baar-baar.
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ufaq
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«Reply #1 on: May 18, 2012, 07:41:18 AM »
dosto muaaf karna. doosre sher ke oola men typing mistake ho gayi hai. is sher ko yu pade

do baar ye buddha mujhe hone nahi dete
betee zawaan hai meree beta berozgaar
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Pramod singh
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«Reply #2 on: May 18, 2012, 09:03:26 AM »
Ufaq ji

Bahut khoob likha hai aapne
meri dilli daad kubool karein

Pramod

 Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause
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killbill
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«Reply #3 on: May 18, 2012, 09:14:48 AM »
ghazal bht gehrai lie hue hai
bht khoob
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sksaini4
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«Reply #4 on: May 18, 2012, 09:17:22 AM »
ufaq bhaai aap kee is behatree ghazal ne dil loot liya khaas taur "kandhe kisee ko " bahut bahut mubarakm dilidaad qubool farmaaye dheron duaaye aur ek rau
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F.H.SIDDIQUI
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«Reply #5 on: May 18, 2012, 09:45:53 AM »
Bahut khoob , ufaq saheb .Mubarakbad .
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goldy_shayar
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«Reply #6 on: May 18, 2012, 10:00:19 AM »
bahut hi khoob, dil jeet liya aapne, bahut bahut mubaarkein aur ek RAU pehle hi aapko nazar kar chuka hoon
 Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley Clapping Smiley
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akashsharma1990
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«Reply #7 on: May 18, 2012, 05:01:04 PM »
 Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause
bohot khub.....
http://www.yoindia.com/shayariadab/songs-lyrics/kala-jadu-t74903.0.html;
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khamosh_aawaaz
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«Reply #8 on: May 18, 2012, 05:46:50 PM »
Quote from: ufaq on May 18, 2012, 07:37:03 AM
dosto , aapki daad pane se kahi jiyaada aapki islaah ka talabgaar hu..........mayus mat karna.............


                               ghazal

is poori kaaenaat pe hai jisko ikhtiyaar.
dair o haram men rah gaya wo hoke giraftaar.

do baar ye buddha mujhe hone dete,
betee zawaan hai meri beta berozgaar.

arsa huya gareeb ka chula jale huye,
tum iski raakh men are doondho nahi sharrar.

ashq o lahoo milaane ka hai naam zindagi,
haasil bada hi qam hai jee mehnat hai beshumaar.

kya dhoom thee ki rangoboo laayegi saath men,
aate hi aik khaar men par fas gayi bahaar.

sunta hu raahe ishq men aaya jo bah gaya,
par dekh to rahaa hu ki daryaa men hai utaar.

kaandhe kisi ko chaar kiraaye ke chaahiye,
charcha men in dino hai bahut aik ishtihaar.

hum aaj kisi baat pe roye nahi ufaq,
aate nahi hayaat men din aise baar-baar.

matle ke baad ka sher aur maqta khoob rahaa .naaaaaaaaaice
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dolly
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«Reply #9 on: May 19, 2012, 05:15:50 AM »
bahut khoob....ApplauseApplauseApplauseApplause
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marhoom bahayaat
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«Reply #10 on: May 19, 2012, 11:55:36 AM »
Quote from: ufaq on May 18, 2012, 07:37:03 AM
dosto , aapki daad pane se kahi jiyaada aapki islaah ka talabgaar hu..........mayus mat karna.............


                               ghazal

is poori kaaenaat pe hai jisko ikhtiyaar.
dair o haram men rah gaya wo hoke giraftaar.

do baar ye buddha mujhe hone dete,
betee zawaan hai meri beta berozgaar.

arsa huya gareeb ka chula jale huye,
tum iski raakh men are doondho nahi sharrar.

ashq o lahoo milaane ka hai naam zindagi,
haasil bada hi qam hai jee mehnat hai beshumaar.

kya dhoom thee ki rangoboo laayegi saath men,
aate hi aik khaar men par fas gayi bahaar.

sunta hu raahe ishq men aaya jo bah gaya,
par dekh to rahaa hu ki daryaa men hai utaar.

kaandhe kisi ko chaar kiraaye ke chaahiye,
charcha men in dino hai bahut aik ishtihaar.

hum aaj kisi baat pe roye nahi ufaq,
aate nahi hayaat men din aise baar-baar.

very good ghazal. what is the meaning of ZAWAAN.
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mann.mann
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«Reply #11 on: May 19, 2012, 12:00:26 PM »
waaah waaah waaaah bahut bahut umda ufaqji
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Quateel Ahmad
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«Reply #12 on: May 19, 2012, 08:51:55 PM »
Quote from: ufaq on May 18, 2012, 07:37:03 AM
dosto , aapki daad pane se kahi jiyaada aapki islaah ka talabgaar hu..........mayus mat karna.............


                               ghazal

is poori kaaenaat pe hai jisko ikhtiyaar.
dair o haram men rah gaya wo hoke giraftaar.

do baar ye buddha mujhe hone dete,
betee zawaan hai meri beta berozgaar.

(Angrezi mein 'z' aur 'j' ka farq asaan hai. Aap 'javaan' likhein to behter padha jaayega. Meri nazar mein 'meri'bhi izaafi hai) 
Meri samajh mein 'do baar' bhi nahin aaya. agar beti jawaan hai aur beta berozgaar hai to kya yeh pehle budhaape ko hi nahin rok rahe?


arsa huya gareeb ka chula jale huye,
tum iski raakh men are doondho nahi sharrar.

(Sharrar yahan baaqi ke alfaaz / radeef se 'phonetically' mukhtalif hai, jaise ke utaar, berozgaar, beshumaar waghairah, isko tabdeel kar sakte hain)
Roman script mein 'huya' ke bajaay 'hua' istemaal kar sakte hain
Aur 'huye' ke bajay 'hue' ya 'huay'
 
ashq o lahoo milaane ka hai naam zindagi,
haasil bada hi qam (kam) hai jee mehnat hai beshumaar.

kya dhoom thee ki rangoboo laayegi saath men,
aate hi aik khaar men par fas (phans)  gayi bahaar.

'Par' ko dekh lein. Mujhe laga ki na ho to behter, rahe to koi baat nahin.

sunta hu raahe (raah e) ishq men aaya jo bah gaya,
par dekh to rahaa hu ki daryaa men hai utaar.

kaandhe kisi ko chaar kiraaye ke chaahiye,
charcha men in dino hai bahut aik ishtihaar.

hum aaj kisi baat pe roye nahi ufaq,
aate nahi hayaat men din aise baar-baar.

Bahut achche khayal pesh kiye Ufaq sahab. Aap ki ijaazat thi isliye kuch baatein likhi hain. (Upar dekh lein)....Mujhe behr aur vazn ka zara bhi ilm nahi so uspar koi sujhaav na de paaunga.

Aur ek baat hai...jise poori kaaynat par ikhtiyaar hai use kaun giraftaar kar sakta hai. Ye andaz bhi mumkin hai 'dair o haram mein usko chale hai karne giraftaar'. Par ye khayal, vazn aur nazariye ki baat hai.

Agar aapko meri koi baat achi na lagi ho to use nazarandaz kar dein.

Quateel
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ufaq
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«Reply #13 on: May 26, 2012, 06:20:48 AM »
aadab qateel sahab . kaise hai aap? aapne meri ghazal ko waqt diya aur apni islaah se nawaaza.iske liye aapka shukrguzaar hu. par kuch baat karna chaahunga aapse...............

sher no 2......bhai oola men typo hai
        sahi hai -  do baar ye buda mujhe hone nahi dete
    yahaan par baar ka matlab hai - responsibility.
jawaan ko zawaan likhne ke liye muaafi ka talabgaar hu.
aur meri lafz aapko kahaan se izaafi lag gayaa.......khulkar bataaye.

sher no 3.......bhai kya aap mujhe bataayenge ki sharaar phonetically kaise alag hai............mere ilm men bhi kuch izaafa ho jaaye.

sher no 4........qam ( kam ).......agree

sher no 5...........fas ( phas ).......hmmmm agree
       bhai par nahi rahega to misra meter se out ho jaayenga.....

sher no 6...........bhai aapko aik baat bataata hu agar koi word consonent men khatm ho rahaa hai aur agla word vowel se suru ho rahaa hai to unhe merge kar sakte hai........acoordind to rules of meter.
ab raah e ishq ki takhti hogi 2 1 1 2 1
aur raahe ishq ki - 2 1 2 1
  is misre ka meter hai....... sun 2 ta 2 hu 1 / raa 2 he 1 ish 2 q 1 / men 1 aa 2 ya 2 jo 1 / bah 2 ga 1 yaa 2
   mujhe ummeed hai ab aap samajh gaye honge ki raahe ishq kyun sahi hai........
      aakhir men aapka shukriya adaa karna chaahunga........koi sawaal ho to behichaq poochh sakte hai.

     
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